Tag Archives: Capobianco

One Year Closer…..

23 Sep

The problem with adoptive parents is that they don’t ‘get’ the problem. I went into this journey having no experience in adoption with no adopted family members and having no thoughts of adopting. I was ‘adoption stupid’ so to speak. And in such a short amount of time, I’ve learned so much. Then again, I was open to where it would take me. I didn’t walk into this with any expectations as many on one side of the table or the other often do. Most walk into adoption as either the ‘giver’ or the ‘wanter’ and bring their expectations and experiences with them. I, having none and no wish list or expectations from it, was open to go where ever that path took me. In that way, I believe I’ve seen so much honesty from the whole experience, more even than those who are part of an adoption in some ways.

Many adoptive couples go in with their wish list and their wants and they have a desired outcome. Anything that doesn’t jive with that goal sort of gets thrown out or discounted. I’ve seen it time and time again in mommy and adoption forums. They have this notion that the bio parents are the bad guys, they get all the luck. These procreators are out there willy-nilly, being irresponsible and making babies they can’t care for and exposing them to all these horrid things. And even if at the very least, they view them as simply unable to care for the child and in bad circumstances, having to give the child up, there is a resentment there and there is a feeling of ‘better than’ that emanates from the adoptive couple. There’s a feeling of ‘saving’ the child. And the downright nasty ones even go so far as to plot and conspire with one another regarding contact, cutting the birth parent out of the picture and reassuring one another that they are right through it all.

I’ve spoken with adult adoptees. And I can say the number of happy, ‘no scars’ adult adoptees out there really is few. There is a tug of war playing out in the adult adoptee, often times not spoken of. There is a desire to find out about one’s heritage but often its accompanied by guilt. And this is true of even the best adoptions. I’ve seen adoptees feel they had to wait until ‘they’ or ‘she’ is dead (adoptive couple or adoptive mom) before they felt they could search out their roots. There is a feeling of betrayal on their part in trying and they are often fearful of the adoptive couple’s response to their want to search.  And in the happiest of adoptions, this feeling is even stronger because who would want to stab great adoptive parents in the back?

This isn’t just in unethical adoptions. This is the HAPPY ones too. This is all adoption. And no matter how many times you try to tell someone who has or is looking to adopt these things, their blinders, their desire to adopt is so strong that they just cannot compute. I cannot even begin to tell you in one blog post how the system of adoption is so corrupt, of the tricks of the trade, of the things they do both to lure in birth mothers and to lure in adoptive couples. I can’t begin to make you see what a huge money-maker adoption is. The stories of rehoming, of unethical adoptions and the money that changes hands. “Yeah, yeah” you say….these are the tales that get twisted, exaggerated and make for great tv but they aren’t true. And while some of that may be the worst of it, there is so much I can tell you about the happy adoptions and how even those leave scars and lines are divided and allegiances formed. How the child ends up with guilt and to some degree is the support system, the parent to the adoptive parent. The child often grows up trying to reassure the adoptive parent while at the same time, harbouring confusion, guilt, anger, wishes and a plethora of their own emotions about their situation, emotions they can’t share with their adoptive parent because they just wouldn’t understand, they are at opposite sides in the bargain and because the adoptive parents hold a ‘look at all we done for you’ card making the adopted child feel as if anything less than being grateful is a slap in their face.

So today, in honor of Veronica Rose Brown, ripped away from her biological family in an unethical adoption case on this date one year ago today, I want to share some words of other adult adoptees with you. These are responses to the simple question “Adoption Mythology?” and posted by anyone who wanted to contribute. Over 300 people contributed. (unedited)

That nurture can overcome nature.

that we won’t be curious and demand to know our history

That mothers forget the babies they gave birth to over time.

Adopters are saints and rescuers

You will get over it

That there is ever a one size fits all. All adoptees are happy. All adoptees are angry. All birth mothers regret. All birth mothers are happy. All adoptive parents are baby thieves. All adoptive parents are saints.

Adoption is better than an orphanage / being abused / being left behind a dumpster to die.

That adoptees should never want contact with their natural parents “after all the adoptive parents have done for them”

Really, reeeally wanting to be a mother means you’ll be a good one.

I work in in-patient mental health. We have a ridiculously disproportionate number of adopted kids in treatment. My adoption myth: that adopted kids are like regular kids, that adoption is NOT the trauma that needs to be addressed in therapy. That these kids are like everyone else and its a coincidence.

It’s not buying a child, it’s “fees”.

In Open adoption – questions get answers, you don’t feel lost, there’s no searching, you know your heritage.

1. That birthmothers had a choice 2. That birthmothers didn’t want or love their children 3. That women who want an open adoption must want to coparent 4. That an adoptee is a “gift” to their adoptive family 5. That APs are much more fit to parent than the birthparents 6. That birthmothers can just have more kids and just “move on” 7. That birth families don’t matter 8. That any birthmother must have been on drugs, sleeping around, or a drunk.

That I had a “better” life.

That there a ton of unwanted babies, and people who want to adopt deserve kids, so how could it be wrong to pair the unwanted kids up with the people who want them?

That adoption is an alternative to abortion. They shouldn’t even be in the same discussion!

The law knows what is best for the child. The judge will make a fair decision.

Reading these, I feel our collective pain – not just my fellow adoptees. Love to everyone.

Birthmothers had counseling so they were not coerced.

That searching for your bfamily means you don’t care about your afamily.

That if the child has adjustment issues or behavioral issues it is always the fault of DNA but if the child is a prodigy at something it was because he/she had all kinds of opportunities provided by the adoptive family.

There is no logic with which comments were chosen. Comments were randomly chosen and came from a collective of adult adoptees, adoptive parents and birth or first parents to give an insight into the thoughts of those affected by adoption.

Today though, as we think of Veronica, let the legacy of her story and her confinement be one of truth and education in all aspects of adoption. Don’t think that because one adoptee was happy or sad in their circumstances, that they all are. Or that because one adoptee was told the truth, that they all are. Don’t assume that because your best friend is a great mother who had a successful adoption and now has a loving home and great family that it is indicative of all adoptive families and homes. Don’t think because that friend is selfless that all adoptive parents are. And above all, don’t assume that when one speaks of their pain of their adoption experience that they are disturbed and disgruntled. Many, many adoptees, even those who had a seemingly great family, have emotional scars. Educate yourself and search out a more balanced picture.

The Capobiancos, in their long legal battle seem to have suffered both from their extreme desire for a child and from what I like to call ‘the Michael Jackson effect’. They had an entourage of supporters, all filling their world with glitter and unicorn dust, telling them all was right with the world and what they were doing was certainly the right thing both for them and for Veronica.  Nothing could have been further from the truth. Many adult adoptees and adoptive parents agree that an infant Veronica was far different from a 4 yr. old Veronica and that given the way circumstances had changed in her life, they were wrong in forcing the adoption after she had been reunited with her birth father.

I don’t want to speculate on what response a grown Veronica will have to that. One thing I do know for certain is that she will find her truth one day. Her story has been so well documented and will hopefully serve as the example of how not to go about adoption in the future.

We’re WASP’s. It’s What We Do.

12 Oct

This should infuriate many….not that it will, but it SHOULD.

When the Capobiancos set out to adopt Veronica one of their strategies was to strike down the ICWA or the Indian Child Welfare Act. I won’t bother you with a long explanation of this law. By now most of us have come to understand it’s purpose and the reasoning behind it.  But basically, it’s meant to protect Indian families and their children when it comes to adoption.  The Capobiancos logic behind their campaign to destroy this law seemed somewhat reasonable in theory. It was that they wanted to open up adoption and make it racially blind. They wanted adoptions to have no basis on race whatsoever. And they saw the Indian Child Welfare Act as giving racial preference to Indians and therefore, racist. I don’t agree but I can see that there was some logic there.

You see, it was Veronica they wanted so they formed a strategy.  The ICWA was only a hurdle in their path.  It wasn’t that this particular issue mattered to them but it was the thing they had to get past to get Veronica. Prior to, they probably hadn’t even heard of this law. But given it got in their way now, they had to set up a game plan. That game plan was to destroy the law. They didn’t care about the law or the people it was meant to protect. They didn’t even care what it’s intent was. They only cared that it was in their way with respect to their goal in that moment.  So they set out to destroy it to get Veronica and came up with the whole ‘it’s racist’ mantra later.  They came up with all the reasons for destroying it later to look as if they were truly being selfless. It didn’t matter whether they believed or supported their own hype. It was just what needed to be said to get there. They were like Kardashians advertising for QuickTrim. They didn’t need to buy their own product. That product didn’t even need to work. They didn’t need to believe it in. They just needed it to sell. They needed people to buy into their propaganda and support them in striking down parts of the ICWA so they could win.

The Cappobiancos chipped away at the ICWA not because they believed in their fight or because it should have been done. They did it for no other reason than they could. And now they raise the Indian child whose culture they’ve helped to destroy.

And after they won, Jessica Munday, their spokesperson, issued the following to their supporters:

While Congress has yet to amend the ICWA, our collective effort surrounding Veronica’s case will indeed help ensure this situation will not happen to another child. As a matter of fact, it already has. We have been informed her case has already been used in several cases to block similar travesties from occurring…. If anyone would like to continue advocating for children being hurt by the ICWA, please connect with the following groups.

Christian Alliance for Indian Child Welfare
administrator@caicw.org

Home Forever
info@home-4-ever.org

Coalition for the protection of Indian Children and Families
info@coalitionforindianchildren.org

(courtesy of The Daily Bastardette)

So you see, Munday, their spokesperson,  is now saying to supporters ‘Well folks, it’s been nice but we’ve done our job. We couldn’t care less about this. Find somewhere else to take your issues to. We’re done here. Go join up with someone else who wants to help you destroy ICWA now.’ Or the short form: ‘We’re done. Go scratch.’

It wasn’t that this issue itself mattered. The ICWA didn’t matter. Indians didn’t matter. Their plight didn’t matter. Even if the law was destroyed completely, it didn’t matter. Getting to keep Veronica was all that mattered. And if, after that happened, everything else crumbled and the world stopped turning, that just didn’t matter. So we, whether in support of Native Americans and the ICWA or not, are left to pick up the pieces and suffer the consequences. Whether you supported Brown or the Capobiancos, what’s left is the result of what they’ve done.  And that should infuriate you. Whether you fought to strengthen the law or tear is apart, your fight wasn’t even recognized because some couple who it mattered nothing to swept in, did their damage and ran.

We are left with a precedent here that tells other women that if they can hold out long enough, cut off all access to the child and never answer a door or accept any support, they too can thwart the father and shuffle his child off for adoption without his consent. And this case will be used as precedence both with respect to Native fathers and to all fathers. Women can now lawfully ‘Maldonado’ the fathers right out of their children.  (Yes, Maldonado has now become a verb.)

If you didn’t support the law and wanted it dismantled, you worked with a couple whose heart wasn’t in the fight with you. They climbed up your back and trampled your heads as they stood on top of you as their platform then they took their prize and ran. They used you to make themselves more visible and their voices louder but they cared nothing for you, your fight or any of the related legislation.

*WASP: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Anglo-Saxon_Protestant

The House That Bought Likes Built

11 Oct

As a skeptic, one would think they’d just about seen it all and that almost nothing could hold any real shock value anymore.  …And then one turns their attention back to the ‘Baby Veronica’ saga.

By now the intentional misrepresentation of this case by the Capobianco camp comes as no surprise to most but there are just so many details that still keep rising to the surface of the muck that has been their adoption campaign.

In surfing the web the other day, we noticed Facebook had added a feature. WHEN that was added we don’t know but it caught our eye. We knew rumors were rampant regarding the Capobianco’s page (Save Veronica Rose) and their ‘buying likes’.  What is ‘buying likes’ you ask.  For those who run pages on social media sites, the number of people who like a page speaks to the page’s popularity and reach.  And in much the same way the latest craze catches on, if one sees that their friends or a lot of people like something, they want to be part of that, they want to like it too and see what it’s about. So as a page administrator the more likes you have, the more likes you attract.  To have very few likes is almost the kiss of death to a page on Facebook. So a page administrator can go to any number of services that will net you hundreds or thousands of likes for a fee. Now these ‘likes’ though will usually come from fake accounts and from foreign countries (that being the dead giveaway).

So as we surfed the net, as we said, we noticed this feature and there it was……

SVRlikes

the dead giveaway. You see, we’d been led to believe that the public at large supported the Capobiancos in their fight for Veronica.  And those who supported Brown in this often wondered what others saw that maybe they weren’t seeing.  In their minds, they knew the thought of taking this child from her biological parents and giving her to some adoptive couple simply because that couple felt they wanted her more was just reprehensible.

And as the weeks wore on, the pages seemed to be neck and neck in the race to ‘save’ Veronica. With the Save Veronica Rose page having opened in December of 2011 and the Standing Our Ground For Veronica Brown page only having opened in July 2013, it seemed the SOG page would soon surpass the SVR page. But every time, right as that seemed inevitable, the number of likes on SVR would suddenly shoot through the roof again.  And as one attentive follower said, “their likes seemed to come in at odd hours of the night and from some pretty odd names.”

And come to find out, it WAS all a sham. There weren’t thousands of people who liked their page and agreed with their views. There were just plenty of fake profiles and bought numbers who boosted their ranks.

If their ‘likes’ had been authentic, their most popular city likely would have been Charleston, SC seeing that is where the Capobiancos are from and where their support base originated.  You see this is true when you then compare their info to the SOG page supporting Brown whose support base came primarily from his home state of Oklahoma and from Native Americans.  Their most popular city then was Tulsa, OK as would be expected. But Istanbul? Could that even possibly be real? A quick search of the topic of Baby Veronica doesn’t even return results in Istanbul. One can see articles about vacationing there or car seats for babies in Istanbul taxis and other equally mundane topics but this case never even dotted the radar there making the fact that it’s the SVR page’s most popular city even more ridiculous.

SOGlikes

It really makes one wonder, if they lied about this, and they lied about so much of this story, then what else were we lied to about?

We were told they’d adopted this girl and Brown, who’d abandoned her even before birth was using some technicality to get her back. We were told he’d waited two years to even step forward. Well, we now know from Judge Malphrus’ ruling in 2011 that Brown was never found to have abandoned his daughter.  We also know that until it was just recently finalized, they’d never even adopted her, that they were only attempting to adopt her. We know Veronica was placed with them by Maldonado, her bio mother,  and they had been warned she was an at risk placement meaning they knew their adoption may well never go through if the birth father stepped forward. We know Brown was never told where his daughter was. We know he stepped forward to get custody of her the moment he knew of the adoption and her whereabouts. (One can read of more inconsistencies here and here.)

But it leads us to wonder, if one builds their foundation on lies, builds up a house of cards if you will, can they really prevail? We’d all like to think ideally that justice will prevail in the end but was that the case here? Or, with the foundation of this all being lies backed by loads of money and lifted off the ground by a woman who was rather savvy with marketing, further bolstered by political ties and helped along by the couple’s socioeconomic and racial background, was this a losing battle for Brown and his supporters from the start? Can one really buy their way through life?

The answer is yes.  An attorney best summed the problem up with ‘Truth is irrelevant. He who has the better story wins.’

Many couples wait years to adopt. Many still aren’t successful and find themselves having had several adoptions ‘fall through’. And many similar cases wait months if not years between hearings to determine their fate. But not the Capobiancos. No sir! They netted a baby on the first try (IVF attempts excluded and speaking strictly on adoption). They were given front row seats to her birth, a moment Maldonado denied Brown.  The ICPC approval was rushed right through allowing them to take her home. They didn’t worry about those pesky details like if her father spent sleepless nights wondering about her or not. And then when he came calling for his child, they bought the best defense money could buy. They chipped away at laws protecting endangered cultures and minorities. They even looked good doing it claiming they were wanting equal rights for all in adoptionland rather than saying they were simply trying to open up yet another market for adoptable children. They got a pretty good deal as these things go too. They were able to buy themselves the attention of a couple of the Supreme Court justices by retaining those attorneys who were on an elbow-rubbing basis with the justices.

So where does all that leave us now? Where that leaves us now is that the Capobiancos have been successful at destroying Native protections, in destroying any idea of fairness we had left, of destroying any notion of justice we had left and any faith we had in our justice system. It’s shown other couples they too can do the same, they too can have their pick of the litter regardless of whether or not the bio parents want to keep their children for themselves.  In fact, they’ve destroyed the idea that a bio parent has a right to raise their own child. They’ve drawn up the blueprint for cases to come.  And while some may say that is exaggerating things a bit, I’d challenge them.  One need only to look to the case of Baby Deserai to see how accurate that statement is. With an Oklahoma ruling already in place calling for Desirai’s return, the 60’s something Bixlers of SC refuse to return her. They’ve continued to move forward with their adoption there despite a loving biological family who want her and despite the fraudulent nature by which they obtained her.  Soon the state of South Carolina will begin to throw their weight around and they’ll claim they’re the only authority with regard to her case as well.

For more on the Baby Desirai case, go to https://www.facebook.com/StandingOurGroundforDesirai

UPDATE: These people change faster than we can keep up with. After reporting their bought likes here, immediately their page changed to this….

svrlikeedit

We can’t explain how they made the sudden change but we’ve noted it regardless. However, we’ve also noticed that the number of people talking about their page went down as well. There has certainly been some fast doctoring happening. Maybe Mr. Caricofe has been able to show them a few tricks given he is the resident computer guru there at Munday’s Trio Solutions. Or it could simply be that they’ve changed the home city on most of the fake accounts liking the page to Charleston, South Carolina.